Absolute Zero 2.6.11

Earlier this week a sign-up sheet for a company skiing/snowboarding trip was floating around the office.

Captain Crunch: Are you going to go?
Me: I dunno, I’m not really good at skiing or snowboarding.
Captain Crunch: You’ve done it before?
Me: Once…about 10 years ago?
Captain Crunch: Well it’s my first time so you don’t have to worry.
Me: Yeah, I guess I’ll go.

As I wrote down my name on the sign-up sheet an odd feeling washed over me. I dismissed it as uneasiness about my lack of experience. I later realized it was my survival instinct.

We departed for the mountain at 4:30 in the morning. By about 8:00 AM I was standing at the top of the beginners course decked out in full snowboarding gear.

Company Guy: Alright let’s go!
Everyone: Yeah!
Everyone kicks off and starts sliding down the mountain.

*Whump*

Except for me.

Me: Ow…
Company Guy: Try focusing your weight on your heels.
*Whump*
Company Guy: Don’t lean forward so much, just stand straight up.
*Whump*
Annie: Try grabbing the front of your board and standing up.
*Whump*
Company Guy: …
*Whump*

After about an hour I managed to tumble down the slope and to the safety of flat ground.

Company Guy: Were gonna go up again, you’re coming right?
Yeah, like he would really subject himself to that again
Me: Yeah!
Damnit Colgan

Rather than just starting down the course again they decided to focus a bit more on my inability to stand up. After about 30 minutes I had made no progress.

*Whump*
Company Guy A: I can’t think of any other ways to explain it.
Company Guy B: Yeah…I’m out of ideas too.
Me: You guys go on ahead, I’ll just practice by myself.
Company Guy A: Alright, we’ll be back to check on you.

Two hours later.

*Whump*
Captain Crunch: Hey, do you want to grab lunch?
Me: Yeah…but that involves going down the slope.
Captain Crunch: Yeah, there aren’t any restaurants around here. You could take the ski lift down though.
Me: Nah, I don’t want give up like this.
F*&#I*$# idiot

So in an effort to protect my pride I started down the slope once again. And somehow managed to stand up.

Me: Sweet!
Going kind of fast…. tree, tree, tree, tree
Me: Just gotta turn…
*Whump*

Thanks to my new found speed I managed to tumble several times before I skidded to a stop.
This pattern continued for the next hour as I made my way down the slope with the exception of replacing tree with child/fence/pole/snow bank.

After tumbling my way down the slope a second time I hobbled over to the rest area and ran into one of the guys who had tried to help me earlier.

Company Guy B: Are you OK?
Me: Not even a little.
Company Guy B: That’s too bad, but I admire your persistence. If I fell every 30 seconds like that I would have given up by now.
Me: Thanks?
Company Guy B: And it’s not all bad, everyone was impressed by how violently you fell. Even people going up on the lifts were like “Hey, check out that guy!”

Upon hearing that I knew exactly how I was going to die.

Officer A: So what happened here?
Officer B: Some guy was going down the beginner’s course and fell. He hit his head against his knee so hard his entire body imploded.
Officer A: That’s horrible…
Officer B: Yeah, it looked pretty cool though.

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4 Responses to Absolute Zero 2.6.11

  1. dyshin says:

    lol @ all the backhanded compliments they were giving you.

    you should have just used it as a sled and dejectedly slid down the mountain.

    • Cchan says:

      At some points I was walking down the slope so I could find an appropriate place to resume ‘snowboarding’. Now and again I felt like whacking people going by with my board. I’m not sure I should go snowboarding again.

  2. agnes says:

    don’t believe your were that bad last when we ski! thanks for the laugh :>
    Once I had to hitch a ride with the snow mobile trying to ski down the expert slope, that was ambarassing! ended my skiing career at the spot!

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