Captain Crunch: You got a present?
Quebec: Yeah, of course.
Captain Crunch: As expected of Canadians, so proper.
Quebec: You guys didn’t get anything?
Captain Crunch: …
Me: Could you tell her we all chipped in for that present?
Today was Pirate’s birthday party. Originally we had planned to do something on Saturday, her actual birthday, but scheduling conflicts led to use celebrating it on Thursday. Pirate suggested going to a nearby French restaurant to celebrate. The restaurant was part of a two-story building, the second floor was occupied by a dance studio. Captain Crunch, Quebec, and I were the first ones to arrive. We wandered awkwardly around the small restaurant while waiting for everyone else to arrive.
Once everyone arrived we sat down at our table and were greeted with proper place settings.
Oh crap. Quick, what do I remember about eating etiquette.
I scanned the silverware arranged the top of my plate. A fork and an oddly shaped spoon.
I think that’s the salad fork…but then what’s the spoon for? There aren’t salad spoons…right?
Momentarily setting aside my doubts about the spoon, I looked at the silverware arranged to the right of my plate.
Alright, what do we have here: spoon, knife, fork, and disposable chopsticks.
OK. Spoon is for soup, fork and knife are for some kind of meat and the chopsticks are for… WHY THE HELL ARE THERE CHOPSTICKS!?
At this point I kind of gave up on the idea of eating with proper etiquette.
Throughout the dinner we engaged in a bunch of disjointed conversations/discussions.
[Captain Crunch texting on his phone]
Sweet Devil: Hey, who are you sexting?
Captain Crunch: Sexting? What is sexting?
Sweet Devil: What you’re doing right now.
Captain Crunch: I don’t understand.
Me (joining in): When you e-mail someone on your cell phone it’s called sexting.
Captain Crunch: This is called sexting?
Me: Yeah. But don’t mind us, you shouldn’t keep the other person waiting when you’re sexting.
Sweet Devil: Yeah, they might get blue balls.
Captain Crunch: OK.
Me (to Sweet Devil): What? How are we going to come up with an innocuous explanation for ‘blue balls’?
Sweet Devil: We can just say it’s when you have to wait for something. What other words do you think we can teach him?
Me: Hmm, gimme some time to think.
Pirate: The order is stranger, friend, close friend, slave, boyfriend, and husband.
Quebec: So you need to be a slave before becoming her boyfriend.
First Mate: Alright, I’ll become a slave then!
Pirate: OK, You’re slave number 5.
Quebec: Now you have to make your way to the top so you can be her boyfriend.
First Mate: Who’s number 1?
Pirate: Captain Crunch
Captain Crunch: Hm?
First Mate: I will kill you.
1) Captain Crunch
5) First Mate
Quebec: You need 10 dates before you can kiss Pirate.
First Mate: 10 dates?!
Sweet Devil (to Pirate): 10 dates? You mean 10 days right?
Me: I think it’s 1 drink.
Pirate: It depends on the person. For Colgan it would take 100 dates.
At some point they constructed a pseudo-family out of the people there.
Quebec: Pirate’s father.
Pirate: Married to First Mate. Mother of Sweet Devil.
First Mate: Married to Pirate.
Captain Crunch: Father of Sweet Devil.
Sweet Devil: Daughter of Captain Crunch and Pirate.
Me: Family dog.
I don’t think they ever clarified what was going on between Pirate, Captain Crunch, and First Mate. But they did have a short discussion about whether I should be named Scooby-Doo or Snoopy. First Mate tried to cheer me up by explaining the perks of my position.
First Mate: If you’re the dog, you can sleep in Sweet Devil’s bed!
First Mate: And if you’re lucky she might even hug and kiss you.
Sweet Devil: Hey, if you get him too excited you’re going to have to take care of it.
(One of Pirate’s friends enters, he’s an elderly man that has a mikan farm)
Sweet Devil: Oh my god! *************
Me: Huh? Really?
Sweet Devil: But you can’t tell anyone I said that.
Me: I don’t think it’s a bad thing.
Sweet Devil: Don’t tell anyone.
I keep my promises…kind of.
Me: Ah! I got one. What if we teach Captain Crunch `friends with benefits`?
Sweet Devil: Oh that’s good! But what are we going to tell him what it means.
Me: How about, really good friends?
Sweet Devil: Yeah, but he might use it when he talks about you then. It’s no good if that happens.
Me: Yes…that would be bad. Alright, then we’ll just say it’s when you’re really good friends with a girl.
Sweet Devil: He’ll get in trouble when he uses that word with a girl who knows what it means though.
Me: That’s true…
Sweet Devil: But we’ll be gone by then so whatever :3
If you think about it, it’s actually pretty close to the real meaning.
First Mate (to Sweet Devil): Oh I heard some people eat elephant meat, is that true?
Sweet Devil: I think some people do, but it’s a horrible thing to do!
First Mate: I wonder if it tastes good. I heard some people eat crocodile meat too, but it doesn’t taste good apparently.
Sweet Devil: Yeah, some people eat dog too. Have you ever eaten it before?
First Mate: No.
Me: I have.
Sweet Devil: What? Where?
Me: When I was in China, it wasn’t very good.
Sweet Devil: We can’t be friends anymore. (to Captain Crunch) You can’t be friends with him anymore either.
Captain Crunch: OK.
A little while later a meat dish is served.
Sweet Devil: Does anyone want mine?
First Mate: Huh? Are you vegetarian?
Sweet Devil: No I eat meat, just not dog (glares at me)
First Mate: It’s not dog.
Sweet Devil: I know, I was ju…
Quebec: It’s not dog.
Me: Yeah, it’s not dog 😛
Sweet Devil: You’ve been to Thailand before right?
Captain Crunch: Thailand? Yes, I’ve been there before.
Sweet Devil: Did you see any ladyboys?
Captain Crunch: No!
Sweet Devil: It’s not a big deal, I went to a ladyboy show it was pretty fun.
Captain Crunch: Oh?
Sweet Devil: Yeah, did you ever want to dress up as one?
Captain Crunch: I got asked to once…but I didn’t.
Me: And after they left, he stared at the dresses they left behind longingly.
A little later.
Pirate’s friend: Ever since that talk I can’t help but think what Captain Crunch would look like dressed as a girl.
Sweet Devil: I think he would look good.
Captain Crunch: I’m not a ladyboy!
Sweet Devil: I know, I just think you would look really good as one. You want to try dressing up as one?
Captain Crunch: You’re the devil.
After dinner we stopped at a nearby family restaurant for some drinks and snacks.
Sweet Devil: You’re a bad friend.
Me: Come again?
Sweet Devil: How can you teach Captain Crunch all those bad words!
Me: What? You were doing it too!
Sweet Devil: But you didn’t even try to stop me! I would never lie to Bean. Right Bean?
Me: I doubt that. Don’t trust her Bean.
Sweet Devil: What? I’ve never lied to you right?
Bean: That’s true.
Me: It’s because you think she’s never lied to you that makes it so easy for her to lie. Look at her, that’s the face of a liar!
Bean: That’s also true…
Sweet Devil: Even so, you trust me right?
Bean: Yes, I trust you.
Me: (sigh) That’s how they get you. But I’m sure you’ve taught him something wrong.
Sweet Devil: Nope.
Me: Well you could teach him ‘friends with benefits’.
Sweet Devil: But I’m a girl.
Me: You can just say it’s for when you’re good friends with a guy.
Sweet Devil: …
Me: Ha! You’re thinking about it!
Sweet Devil: You’re a bad influence on me!