Drunken Masters 9.27.11

Crash!

Ongbak: That guy just fell out of his chair and on to me.
Arsenal: Ugh…why do Chinese people have to get so messy drunk?
Dack: Are you mad?
Arsenal: It’s just embarrassing for everyone.

Arsenal, Dack, Ongbak, Zwein, and I were sitting outside at a chuanr restaurant (think shish-kebab) trying our best to ignore the 5 drunken Chinese guys seated next to us. Their table was a mess of sticks, half-finished food, and empty bottles.

I start scooting my chair away.
Zwein: Are you scared?
Me: I just don’t want to get barfed on.

One of the drunken guys, hereafter referred to as the Drunken Masters, noticed my movement and, using his heightened sense of awareness, realized I was slightly offended by their antics. Recalling his years of intense training at the brewastary where he trained since he was 6, he sprang from his seat and into action.

Addendum: To add some clarity to the following conversations I should mention that there are 5 main schools within the martial art of drunken debauchery. These are: Empty Apology, Beer Belly, Drunken Rant, Silent Vomit, and Drunken Shuffle. Each of the men here was a master in at least one of these schools and I took the liberty of naming them after the school they seemed to best represent.

Note: Words in () are said in Chinese.

Empty Apology: (I’m sorry, please don’t worry about it)
Arsenal: Yeah, yeah, just go take care of your friends.
Empty Apology: (Don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it.)

Empty Apology performs a series of slight bows accentuated with a waving of his hands to continue to ensure us that he is very sorry about the situation as he returns to his table. He then sits down in his chair and promptly breaks it.

Arsenal: And now they’re breaking these nice people’s chairs.

Empty Apology once again springs into action assuring us that everything is OK. Seeing the wanton destruction that the Drunken Masters have caused, the waiters at the shop bring Empty Apology a new chair and the table a new crate of beers.

A few minutes of relative peace pass by and we continue our meal. I finally think that the Drunken Masters have started to calm down when…
Smash!

Another master, Beer Belly, smashes a bottle of beer on the table in an attempt to conclude an argument with Drunken Rant. Glass shatters across the table and beer pours to the ground, but the Drunken Masters are not shaken by the outburst. They say a few words to calm Beer Belly and then quickly return to consuming copious amounts of alcohol. During the brief pause between gaffing alcoholic beverages Empty Apology makes another trip to our table to assure us that everything is OK.

And all of this was just the calm before the storm.

BAM!
Beer Belly falls out of his chair and smashes head first into the concrete floor, as a testament to his harsh training, Beer Belly doesn’t even wake up from the impact. Silent Vomit and Drunken Shuffle return from the shadows just in time to help Drunken Rant pick up Beer Belly from off the floor.
Within seconds of the incident Empty Apology is at our table.

Empty Apology: Sorry, sorry!
Dack: Whatever, just help your friend.
Empty Apology: It’s nothing, it’s nothing.
Arsenal: Just go away and help your friend!

After a desperate struggle the Drunken Masters manage to get Beer Belly back into his chair. They share a laugh, and then sit down to continue drinking.

BAM!

Beer Belly once again smashes into the hard concrete floor.

Dack: You figure we should help them?
Me: Yeah…we probably should.

I get out of my seat and start the mammoth task of putting Beer Belly back into his seat. After I get Beer Belly back in his seat, with negligible help from the Drunken Masters (to be fair, they were probably busy drinking), I realize that Dack didn’t come to help. As I turn back to our table I see why.

Empty Apology: Don’t worry about! Sorry!
Dack: Why are you touching me so much?
Empty Apology: It’s nothing! It’s nothing!
Arsenal: (We get it, just go help your friend!)
Empty Apology: It’s nothing! It’s nothing!

As Empty Apology continues his barrage of apologies the other Drunken Masters have decided it’s time to return their brewastary. Drunken Shuffle and Silent Vomit gather on either side of Beer Belly and start carrying him away from the restaurant and towards the street while Drunken Rant barks orders at them. Drunken Shuffle shows of his skills and they manage to carry Beer Belly at a decent pace until they reach the 3-step staircase that leads to the main sidewalk.

SLAM!

Beer Belly and Silent Vomit trip on the staircase and land head first onto the concrete. However Drunken Shuffle, using his fancy footwork, manages to avoid falling.

Ongbak: Oh damn! I think two of them just hit their heads.
Me: …They’re not moving.
Empty Apology: It’s nothing! It’s nothing!
Dack: Quit talking to us and go help your friend!

The Drunken Masters quickly reorganize and lift Beer Belly and Silent Vomit off the ground. With Beer Belly once again slung across their shoulders, the Drunken Masters set off in search of a taxi. Well, 4 of them did.

Empty Apology: Don’t worry about it!
Arsenal: (WE GET IT! JUST GO HELP YOUR FRIEND!)
Empty Apology: It’s OK (It’s nothing, it’s nothing)
Cool Chinese Dude: (They understand, just go!)
Arsenal: (Yeah, tell him!)
Empty Apology: It’s nothing! It’s nothing!
Cool Chinese Dude: (The words aren’t going into his head…)
Me: Whatever… just leave him alone. Let’s pay and get out of here.

While we’re waiting for our bill Empty Apology decides now would be a good time to educate us, and everyone within shouting distance, about the greatness that is China.

Empty Apology: CHINA IS NUMBER ONE!
Empty Apology: CHINA IS NUMBER ONE! FOREIGNERS GET OUT!!!
Arsenal: Now we’re getting to the real problem.
Empty Apology: (CHINA IS NUMBER ONE!)
Empty Apology: FOREIGNERS GET OUT!

It seems Empty Apology was a master of the Drunken Rant as well.

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2 Responses to Drunken Masters 9.27.11

  1. David says:

    Be careful ! Many of the drunken use the excuse of being drunk and get violent.

  2. agnes says:

    suicide, if concussion did not get them then liver disease will!
    get away from them, they are dangerous!

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