Wolverine Does Japan 8.2.2013

Note: this post contains spoilers about the Wolverine movie and copious amounts of swearing.

I went to see the new Wolverine movie Friday after work with some co-workers. It was hands-down the dumbest movie I’ve seen in a long time. My co-workers gave it a 6 or 7 out of 10 and I stared at them in complete bewilderment. The plot to this movie was such a cluster fuck that the entire movie seemed like just an excuse to have Wolverine bang a chick in Japan. However, since my co-workers seemed oblivious to the plot holes that peppered this movie I’ve wanted to thoroughly illustrate some things (yes, there are more) I found wrong with this movie. I’m also hoping it will be a bit therapeutic because MY GOD was it terrible.
First off a quick list of what was wrong with the movie:

1)The main heroine, Mariko, was a completely unnecessary character yet somehow central to the plot. The majority of the movie revolves around Yakuza trying to capture her but when you step back and think about it, there is absolutely no fucking reason to capture her.

2)I can’t help but feel that all of the people in this movie are border-line retarded. They take the most fucking round-about way to achieve their goals as possible.

3)Not only is the plot bad, it’s confusing as fuck because there are about 3 plots going on at the same time.

Alright, now that we have a nice little list of the parts of the plot I found retarded, let’s go into some more detail.

Mariko? Fuck Mariko
Well, Wolverine does in the end (burrrrn). Mariko is the granddaughter of a Japanese dude that Wolverine saved back in World War 2. When Wolverine goes to Japan the old dude conveniently dies and Wolverine becomes Mariko’s protector because the Yakuza are trying to capture her. You find out that Mariko is entitled to inherit the super awesome company that her grandfather has built so that’s probably why the Yakuza are trying to kidnap her…which still doesn’t make much sense. But then you find out that the Yakuza have been hired out by her father who wants to kill her so he’ll inherit the company instead of her! But if you think about it this entire scenario was completely unnecessary because of several points that are revealed throughout the movie.

1)Mariko doesn’t want the company, she wants her dad to have it. At the start of the movie she loves and respects her dad and throughout the move she goes on to bitch about respect and all that shit. If she doesn’t want the company, and she know her father wants it, why doesn’t she just fucking transfer the company to him after she inherits it from her grandfather!? I guess you could make the argument that her grandfather picked her and not her dad, so she feels like she has to respect his wishes; however this argument is completely invalidated because right after her grandpa tells her she will inherit the company SHE ATTEMPTS SUICIDE. JUST GIVE YOUR DAD THE GODDAMN COMPANY YOU STUPID WHORE.

2)The father wants to inherit the company and thinks the only way to do it is to kill his daughter. But instead of just killing her at their home he hires Yakuza to capture her and bring her back to his house so he can kill her? What the fuck? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED YAKUZA TO KIDNAP YOUR DAUGHTER AND BRING HER BACK TO YOUR FUCKING HOUSE WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. ALSO SEE POINT 1 YOU FUCKING STUPID SACK OF SHIT.

3)However, my favorite subplot in this movie is how fucking hypocritical the Wolverine is. After saving Mariko from Yakuza several times Mariko gets a boner for the Wolverine and they bump uglies. Afterwards the Wolverine finds out that the Yakuza were sent after them by Mariko’s dad and fiancé. When Wolverine confronts Mariko’s fiancé he’s galavanting with some expensive call girls and Wolverine smarmily says “So this is how someone with a fiancé should behave.” Cue sarcastic smile and the ha ha-ing at how morally bankrupt politicians are…but wait, didn’t the Wolverine just bang the other half of this engaged couple? So Mariko’s a morally bankrupt bitch too. But nope! She’s the heroine so there’s nothing wrong with it, and nothing wrong with the Wolverine for banging her.

I don’t know how some of these people figured out how to breathe
I kind of covered the stupidity of some of the cast in the first point, so I’m going to go over Mariko’s grandpa’s absolute stupidity.

So, Mariko’s grandpa wants the Wolverine’s regenerative powers so he can become immortal. When Wolverine refuses to give it to him he fakes his own death, gets transported to a faraway location where he has built an adamantium samurai suit, lures Wolverine there, and then attempts to cut off his claws and drain his immortality from him. However, during the movie it is proven that grandpa has the means to drug the fuck out of the Wolverine and take his powers from him like that. So…it begs the question, why doesn’t he just drug Wolverine and take his powers instead of faking his death, luring the Wolverine out to a remote location by kidnapping his granddaughter, and THEN drugging the Wolverine and trying to take his powers.

Another stupid thing is in order to take Wolverine’s powers the grandpa needs to drain it from his claws, so I think this is used as an excuse for needing Wolverine to be conscious in order to take his claws. However, this also makes absolutely no fucking sense. In the movie they use a device to stop the wolverine from retracting his claws after he has extended them, given that they can do this would it really be so fucking hard for them to develop a technology that would force him to extend his claws? Fuck, the technology we have in real-life could probably accomplish that.

Furthermore, it is shown that the grandpa fucking adores his granddaughter, but he has absolutely no problem with the fact that his plan puts her fucking life in danger for no fucking reason. If he was planning on taking Wolverine’s powers at the beginning, why doesn’t he just make his son inherit the company while he goes through with his retarded plan? That way the dad would have ABSOLUTELY NO MOTIVATION to kill his own daughter. Which, as noted earlier, he attempts to do in the dumbest fucking way possible.

Plot, Plot, Plot
So there are about 3 plots going on at once. Grandpa trying to get Wolverine’s regenerative powers, Dad trying to kill Mariko to get the company, and Wolverine and Mariko getting’ hot and heavy while trying to figure out who’s trying to kill Mariko. It all gets very confusing while watching the movie and all of it is completely unnecessary.

Really, the only plot that should take place is grandpa trying to get the Wolverine’s powers. And if grandpa, or anyone working for him, had half a brain this could have been accomplished on the first day when Wolverine gets to Japan and refuses to give gramps his power. While wolverine is sleeping grandpa has his oncologist, who is a mutant that can make all kinds of toxins, implant a nanomachine that inhibits Wolverine’s regenerative capabilities making him easier to capture. Which they do later with poison tipped arrows that knock him the fuck out. The poison tipped arrows that were manufactured by the oncologist. So…why didn’t she just knock him the fuck out instead of implanting a nanomachine inside of him? I would also like to mention that these poison tipped arrows knock him the fuck out AFTER he regains his regenerative capabilities. It MIGHT have made sense if they needed to implant the nanomachine to inhibit his regenerative powers so they could use poison to knock him the fuck out but NOPE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO IMPLANT A SUPER EXPENSIVE MACHINE THAT INHIBITS REGENERATION.

Summary: this movie is shit
After pointing out one or two of these plot holes to my coworkers they told me I should just relax and enjoy the action. So in ending I’ll just say this, if you want to go see a good action movie go see Shoot ‘em Up. It is a great movie that does over the top action scenes for the sake of having over the top action scenes, and even though the movie makes it very obvious that the plot is supposed to take a backseat to all of the action scenes its plot is still 1000000000000000 times better than The Wolverine’s Piece Of Shit-a-thon.

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