Chapter 1-2

>>46
I took this name from a person I idolize, Shiba Ryotaro
Actually, Shiba Ryotaro has a lot do with this story.

49：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:25:41.72ID:0kPk05Q00
The time spent waiting in that room was hell.
When is the doorbell going to ring…
I started getting more and more panicked.
Emotionally I was like “If you’re going to kill me do it quickly!!” lol
Ding dong. It rang! At this point my throat was dry and raspy.
When I opened the door a stunning girl stood before me.
She wasn’t cute, she was beautiful.
If I had to name a star she looked like it would be Kayo

She was like a slimmer Kayo
She was also about as tall as Kayo, definitely over 170 cm (5″”6′)

50：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:25:53.56ID:9utFNVARO
Maybe I should go to a brothel too.

52：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:26:55.85ID:0kPk05Q00
I froze.
No matter how I thought about it this was too high of a hurdle.
I’m only 163cm.
A cuter, shorter person would have been better…
I started to curse the guy from earlier lol.
But at least she wasn’t a Gyaru.
She had chestnut-colored hair and fair skin.
Kayo: “Good evening”
Me: “G…Goo…Good evening…”
Ahhh, this is bad…I’m stuttering.

53：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:27:31.05ID:UxrdAssX0
This is nice, reading this makes me think about my first time at a brothel.
The first thing the girl said to me was “Why are you so nervous?”

55：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:30:30.51ID:0kPk05Q00
>>53
Right?! lol
After reading about everyone else’s experiences I thought I could do it and write about my experience on VIP with my debut thread.
[Translator’s Note: VIP is a sub-section of 2ch message boards and is the most active of all the boards on the site]
1 year ago.
But in actuality no one wrote about the important things lol
Calling the store, choosing a girl from a picture, waiting, meeting, all of these were incredibly difficult.

54：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:28:12.60ID:0kPk05Q00
Kayo: “Um…can I come in?”
I was standing at the entrance in a daze lol
Me “P…Pl…ppplease”
(Doesn’t she think I’m weird?)
(Is she laughing at me right now…?)
Alright! We’ve entered the usual pattern lol
When I get like this my stutter doesn’t go away.
Kayo: “Um, my name is Kayo. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Me: “Sa…s…s..same!!”
Kayo: “Today was pretty warm wasn’t it? Did you just get off from work?”
Me: “N…n…no…um…I…”
I’m getting worse and worse lol

57：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:32:06.88ID:0kPk05Q00
Kayo: “Um, I bought some tea on the way here. Are you thirsty?”
She bought a bottle of tea for me.
Me: “Th,th…th..thank y…you.”
I took the bottle of tea and downed it in one gulp.
My throat was dry.
Me: “Ahhh”
Kayo: “You drank it it one gulp ha ha, you must have been really thirsty ha ha”
Me: “…”
I can’t even speak… I hate having a stutter.
She’s going to think I’m weird…
Kayo: “…”
It started getting more and more awkward, the atmosphere is so heavy…
Kayo: “…Shall we take a shower?”
Me: “Huh?”

59：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:33:52.11ID:kph1rDaD0
How does Shiba Ryotaro have anything to do with this story?
>>59
Oh, I love all of Shiba Ryotaro’s books, and because of that I met a guy.
He was the reason I decided to go to a brothel and even after that he’s helped me a lot.

66：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:40:01.51ID:0kPk05Q00
I started to hyperventilate but I could still think straight.
“I shouldn’t have come…either that or I should’ve have picked an uglier girl”
At the same time I was thinking.
I can’t make a thread out of this lol
If I was just thinking about that it would have been fine but
Once I started thinking about the girl in front of me I started to lose it lol
She was looking in my direction.
Crap, she’s going to think I’m weird, I’m making her worried.
I have to do something lol
It’s no good, it’s happening too fast…!
Me:”Hahihahihahihahi”
My breathing is getting worse lol!!

60：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:35:14.34ID:0kPk05Q00
Kayo: “Um…the shower…”
Me: “Nnnnno iiiit’s…stssstill ok!!”
I resisted with all my might lol
What did I come here to do? lol
I refused so strongly that that she was a bit surprised.
Ahhhhhh, she’s going to think I’m weird lol
Crap lol what should I do? lol
I fell into an endless loop again.
I was panicking and started to hyperventilate again lol
Me: “Hahi,hahi,hahi”
Kayo: “Are you OK???”

65：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:39:28.16ID:OHppKsHD0
>>60
lol calm down lol

69：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:42:20.19ID:0kPk05Q00
What am I doing???
Why did I come to a brothel and start hyperventilating??
It’s over…my life is over…
It’s impossible for me to have sex with a girl…
I should’ve just patiently waited to become a magic user.
But, thanks to Kayo’s unexpected action, my chances didn’t completely disappear.
Her next few actions seemed practiced.
She placed the bag she had gotten from the convenience store over my mouth and forced me to breathe,
While she embraced me.
Kayo: “It’s alright, it’s alright”
She kept repeating over and over until I calmed down.
My breathing gradually returned to normal

74：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:44:46.35ID:kph1rDaD0
>>69
This would make you fall for someone.
>>74
But since I have a virgin complex if I fell for her I’d go through hell lol
But if anyone with a virgin complex is treated nicely by a girl they’ll fall for her.
They can’t resist lol

72：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:43:59.41ID:q8g8UX110
Kayo-chan is an angel

85：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:57:53.80ID:dTUEJ1MN0
Did you spend the entire time hypervenitlating?

90：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:01:23.89ID:0kPk05Q00
>>85
I don’t actually know the break down of time, but I think I only spent a couple of minutes hypervenitlating.
And before that, the small talk we made took about 10 minutes.
Hyperventilating, breathing returning to normal, being hugged, after that I don’t remember much.
At some point she stopped hugging me, I think.

The only thing I remember for sure is that we didn’t do anything lol
73：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:44:14.80ID:0kPk05Q00
Even after I calmed down I couldn’t say “I’m sorry” or “Thank you” to her.
I was scared that if I tried to say those things my emotions would well up again so I just stood there quietly as she hugged me.
The only thing that moved was time. And as it passed I started worrying about the trouble I was causing.
I started to become uneasy again, the stuttering dope lol
But, when I looked at her she had a very kind and soft expression
and I managed to calm down.
Pipipipi’ the alarm on her cellphone rang.
She rushed to stop her alarm.
Seeing her do that, the mostly calm me said
Me: “I..Iii I’m sorry for causing you trouble.”
Somehow I managed to say that.
Kayo: “No, not at all, it’s fine. More than that, I’m sorry we couldn’t do anything.”
Me: “W..w.wwhat are you saying! II..It’s all my fault…”

75：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:45:29.49ID:0kPk05Q00
Now that I think about it, at this point I had already fallen for her.

76：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:50:37.03ID:7SZahkFNO
Kayo-chan is a good girl.

77：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:50:39.02ID:WuKLlST90
I wish I had gotten a girl like this too…

79：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:53:26.42ID:0kPk05Q00
Kayo: “Oh, right.”
She took a name card out of her bag and gave it to me.
It had the dates she worked written on it.
After that we left the hotel and said goodbye to each other.
Until the very end she apologized for not being able to do anything.
I understood the reason why that guy recommended her lol
She was a really good person.
But I felt like I had done something horrible to her and I felt pitiful.
THE END

81：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 02:55:04.15ID:2SX6ahr/0
It’s over?

82：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:55:09.51ID:0kPk05Q00
Not.
This was the first day.
When I got home I didn’t have the willpower to create a thread lol
And if I had written this a year ago it really would have ended at THE END.
I see, it’s impossible for me to graduate from being a virgin lol
Actually, it seems like just talking to a girl is impossible for me.
Heavy with feelings of depression and embarassment I went back to my room and just zoned out.
As I took out the name card she had given me I saw that on the back there was a calendar that a 0s marked on certain days.
These were probably the days she worked.
As I thought about her for some reason my chest started to feel tight.
Oh, I see lol
I’ve already fallen for her lol
In order to get me to like a girl this is all it takes lol
Right after I talk to a girl I start to like her… as expected of someone with a virgin complex lol
As I thought about her I also remembered how I started hyperventilating in front of her
As I did that, I fell into hell again lol
She definitely hates me…rather, she definitely thinkgs I’m weird…
Looking at the name card one more time I noticed that she was working tomorrow.
It also showed the time, 1 PM – 9 PM

83：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:57:07.22ID:0kPk05Q00
If I go to the store tomorrow I can meet her again.
But, it would take a lot of courage for me to face her again.
After showing her such a disgraceful display, it was too difficult to meet her again.
Wait, hold on.
“I got it! I still hadn’t told her ‘thank you’ for stopping my hyperventilation.”
Right after work ended I called the store.
If I didn’t use the excuse of wanting to say thank you to her, I couldn’t have gone to meet her again.
I’m such a creepy customer lol

86：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 02:59:12.12ID:0kPk05Q00
But, my work ended at 7 so when I called the store
she was already booked for the day, I didn’t get to meet her.
And the next day she wasn’t working so I was only able to meet her 2 days later.
During lunch I called the store and made a reservation, but the only time I could get was at 8 PM
All the other times were booked.
And even then I was lucky.
According to the guy, you can make reservations the day before and unless you use that method
It was very difficult to reserve a time with Kayo.
She’s incredibly popular…
The guy wasn’t lying.
If she hadn’t suddenly been cancelled on I would have never met her.

87：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:00:09.73ID:dTUEJ1MN0
Alright, I took off my pants.

94：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:03:27.95ID:0kPk05Q00
Ding dong. I opened the door and Kayo was standing there.
Kayo: “Ah! Ryotaro!”
Kayo smiled as she look at me.
Kayo: “I was worried about whether or not you were OK after last time…”
She is a really kind person.
It wasn’t a business smile, she’s truly a kind person.
Ahh, it’s no good lol, I’ve completely fallen for her.
Me: “N..nnn.no I’m sorry for causing you trouble
a.aa..also, th..th..thank you.”
After that we started making small talk about the weather and things like that.
Kayo: “Um…shall we go take a shower…?”
She asked me quite hesitantly.
I’m sure we wouldn’t be able to handle it if I started hyperventilating again lol
Me: “N..no, today I just came to say thank you.”
I said the line I had prepared before hand with a cool look on my face lol I’m an idiot lol
Kayo laughed.
Kayo: “Ryotaro…! This is the first time I’ve met some like you ha ha”
Me: “I..I’m lacking in experience with women so…
“Just getting used to talking to you is worth it.”
“lacking in experience with women”
I used a weird expression lol
But these words that I thought up on the spot led to an unexpected development.

95：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:04:31.09ID:14WTwHsq0
‘lacking’ lol

99：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:05:10.20ID:+qXQU7am0
‘I just came to say thank you’ lol

100：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:05:11.96ID:0kPk05Q00
For some reason I couldn’t just come out and say I was a virgin lol
to a girl 10 years younger than me…
But since she was doing this kind of work she must have tons of experience.
Even then, I didn’t want to say I was a virgin…
I’m such a small person!
Kayo: “But it’s costing you money. And it’s not cheap, I feel guilty…
If you just want to talk, wouldn’t it better to ask one of your female friends?”
Me: “I…I’d feel bad asking them something like that…rather, I don’t have any female friends…”
And once again, for one moment, I was trying to play it off lol, but I ended up being honest.
Actually, if I had female friends I wouldn’t get this nervous talking to girls right? lol

104：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:07:38.41ID:0kPk05Q00
Anways, it’s kind of weird that when I just accept how pathetic I am I’m able to talk normally.
If I end up giving in to my worthless pride, I start to stutter.
Kayo: “Ah, I’m sorry…”
Kayo immediately realized that I was the type of person not to have female friends and apologized.
Don’t apologize lol, it makes me feel even worse!
Even after that she apologized about not being able to do anything and felt guilty about receiving so much money.
She apologized over and over again.
Kayo: “And then if I start thinking about that, I have no idea what I should talk about ha ha”
Me: “D..d.don’t worry about, just talking about normal stuff is fine.”
Actually, I should just become a normal customer lol
After a bit the conversation stopped.
Once she stopped talking the conversation completely stopped lol
I have nothing to talk about lol

107：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:09:41.54ID:EIvmf0nQ0
I’m watching this thread while reading Ushijima-kun
And it’s making me think that encounters like these with girls are rare…

110：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:10:28.17ID:0kPk05Q00
Kayo: “…”
Me: “…”
Kayo: “…not doing anything and just sitting here normally is actually more embarrassing huh?”
As she said that the look of embarrassment she had was so cute it made my heart start beating faster.
And I started becoming embarrassed too.
And because I get the feeling that I’ll stutter when my emotions are running high,
In addition to having nothing to talk about, I became even less vocal.
Kayo: “…”
Me: “…”
I was completely silent. I’m so creepy. Someone help me lol
She must be feeling really burdened…
I guess virgins are just a burden on society.

115：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:13:50.85ID:0kPk05Q00
Trying to fix the atmosphere, Kayo started making small talk.
Kayo looked adorable as she tried her best to keep the conversation alive. I was in bliss.
And as I thought that, our time came to an end.
As we were going our separate ways she said
Kayo: “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything.”
Apologizing over and over.
Hearing her apologize hurt me on the inside lol
I felt bad about making her apologize so many times.
When I come to this store, I’m just a burden on this girl.
And, in the end, it’s just a customer and a brothel girl…
Even then, Kayo was working again tomorrow, so right after we parted I called the store and made a reservation for tomorrow lol
Using the day-before reservation I was told about lol
I had already started to learn the tricks.
Or maybe I should say I started getting used to brothels lol
Anyways, tomorrow I was going to make sure I didn’t trouble Kayo.
Hmm, isn’t this different from my original purpose?

119：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:16:40.91ID:0kPk05Q00
I had completely lost sight of my goal lol
Just like the brothel report threads in VIP I had wanted to have sex with a cute call girl on the cheap.
I wasn’t even expecting some awesome experience like ending up with a sex friend.
But I never thought I’d end up in a platonic love with a brothel girl.
The person who thought that going to a soap land would be too difficult
and decided to go to a call girl shop first
But after paying 40,000 yen all I had down was hyperventilate and barely talked, and tomorrow I’d pay another 20,000 yen.
Which to me was a large amount.
But, at that time, I wasn’t able to think logically, I was only thinking about meeting Kayo
Just being alive started became fun and I started working hard at work lol

125：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:21:21.25ID:0kPk05Q00
The next day I arrived at the hotel and just knowing that I’d be able to meet Kayo soon
made me unbelievably happy.
Ding dong.
It’s Kayo!
Thinking about it, this might be the first time I had actually started to like a girl.
In middle school and high school I had girls that I liked, but I never talked to them.
Meeting and talking like this, I realized that liking someone gives birth to an overpowering feeling that you can’t resist.
Unlike 2-D girls where you’re just on the outside looking in, with 3-D girls
you know nothing about them until you start talking to them.
So in comparison to 2-D girls, I knew absolutely nothing about 3-D girls.

126：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:21:22.27ID:OHppKsHD0
>>1 It’s kind of mean to say, but I’m sure Kayo hates customers like you lol just by talking she gets tens of thousands of yen but because she’s nice she feels horrible about it lol

127：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:23:32.01ID:0kPk05Q00
Kayo: “Ah, Ryotaro. You came again?”
She smiled as she took off her shoes.
But I winced at the word ‘again’
Am I an annoying customer? Am I just bothering her?
And thus a virgin’s, rather a guy that’s completely unpopular with girl’s exclusive negativity started lol
In the past I probably wouldn’t have noticed something like that
But since I’ve seen so many things on the net I’ve come to realize
that from a objective view my thought patterns perfectly match the thoughts of an unpopular guy lol
But even though I realized it, I couldn’t do anything about it.
I just kept having the thoughts and performing the actions of a creepy, unpopular guy as if I was possessed lol

132：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:25:40.31ID:0kPk05Q00
Kayo: “Shall we try again today? Let’s go take a shower.”
Me: “W…w.wait, just sit down for right now lol”
Kayo: “Are you sure? Your money is going to waste…”
Me: “I..iit’s fine, to me it’s a perfectly good use of money…i.iit’s fine lol”
And, once again, we made small talk. Nothing but small talk.
Besides, I couldn’t even fathom paying money to have sex with Kayo.
But, what comes after this?
Nothing. Once my money runs out so does my relationship with her. And that day was coming fast.
At this point, I was already thinking about borrowing money from a loan company lol

136：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:26:54.68ID:OHppKsHD0
>>132
People like you lol

139：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:27:30.55ID:q8g8UX110
Money lendersssssss

143：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:28:01.00ID:0kPk05Q00
I’m not very good at talking about myself
I don’t really think I have any interests
And if I can’ think of anything to say about myself I start stuttering.
And Kayo doesn’t really say much about herself either.
But considering the kind of work she’s in it makes sense not to.
So our conversation naturally drifted towards TV, movies, music, and news.
But if you can’t go into depth about any of those things you run out of stuff to talk about quickly.
So I started to talk about history.
The only thing I can actually talk about.
I really love history and I’ve read a lot of history novels.
Only, do girls of this generation even have an interest in history?
As I was thinking that Kayo listened to me as if she was entranced.
She seemed especially interested in the Warring States period and the Bakumatsu period.
She even asked me questions.
Kayo: “I’m really naive and stupid so this is really helpful.”
As she said things like this our time together flew by.
Pipipipipipi, Kayo’s cellphone alarm rang.
It meant that we only had 10 minutes left.
If really was over in a flash.

145：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:30:19.73ID:0kPk05Q00
I can’t meet with Kayo unless I have money.
And for 20,000 yen I only get to spend one hour with her.
Time extension?
But if I do that it gets ridiculously expensive…
It would be better to just meet another day.
Until my money runs out…
But, after that what should I do?
Confess my feelings to her?
We barely even talk about ourselves to each other.
And, even in the one in a million chance that my confession succeeds what then?
I start dating a brothel girl?
That’s not an option for me lol
Me, the nice otaku with a virgin complex and a slight lolita complex going out with a brothel girl?
It’s something I never even considered. But, at this moment I had completely fallen for one.
And even if we did go out, would I be able to deal with it if she kept on working at a brothel?
But even beforeall that, I don’t even have a one in a million chance of going out with Kayo…
One after another various images and thoughts surfaced in my mind.

149：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:33:09.60ID:0kPk05Q00
As we prepared to leave,
Kayo: “Um, Ryotaro…let’s exchange our cellphone numbers and email addresses.”
Me: “What???”
Kayo: “Um, if it’s OK that is. If you just want to talk I think it’s fine to do it at a family restaurant too. I’m usually done with work at about 9:00 PM so if you have time would you want to go eat together?”
Me: “Huh???”
For a moment my mind went blank.
Seriously?
Is it alright for something like this to happen to me?
Her saying that was like a dream. Actually, I was really wondering whether or not I was in a dream.
Really? Me, with a girl, rather with Kayo meeting outside?
Just the two of us eating together??? Really?

159：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:36:38.96ID:OHppKsHD0
>>149
W H A T

154：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:35:52.58ID:0kPk05Q00
Kayo: “I’d feel bad if you spent anymore money like this ha ha, and if you’re fine with me I can help you get used to women
and once you’re used to women please come to our store.”
Me: “B..b.b.but I’d feel bad having you go out of your way to do this…”
“Kayo: “”Ha ha, so now you understand my feelings right? It’s tough when it feel like you’re taking advantage of someone.””
”
Me: “….”
Kayo: “Plus, I don’t have many friends in Tokyo so I’m always eating by myself. I thought it’d be fun to eat while talking to you.”
Me: “In that case…”
With that Kayo and I exchanged information through infared.
Kayo: “OK, next time let’s meet outside and talk without having to worry about the time.”
Me: “O..OK, bye…”
I was happy but…this is still a customer relationship right?
It’s similar to what happens at cabaret clubs right? They meet outside of working hours to keep high-paying customers. But I have nothing to offer Kayo.
I tried to think over what happened with my small amount of knowledge, but I had no idea.
At the very least, being able to meet with Kayo outside meant she didn’t hate me
I understood that much.
I was happy! Way too happy!! And also oddly uneasy! The type that that makes you want to cry!
I guess you could say it was like losing something you never had…
It’s not a felling I can really express.

161：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:37:27.83ID:0kPk05Q00
After I watched Kayo disappear into the darkness of the town at night I started running and laughing lol
I was running around letting of little screams “Yeaaaah!!”
Me: “This isn’t real right? right?”
I screamed and talked to myself as I ran around the downtown area, I must have looked so weird lol
It seemed like the neon signs and the lights in the city were even brighter and clearer than usual.
I wonder if it had something to do with a chemical in my brain?
I’m going to meet with a girl all alone!? With Kayo!?
And several times at that!!
And for free lol
I don’t have to go to a money loaner now lol

162：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:37:30.48ID:ComM7yu30
Send me Kayo’s contact info too

169：名も無き被検体774号+：2011/10/25(火) 03:39:21.81ID:FekBRquV0
Please don’t tell me this ends with her becoming your girlfriend.

178：Ryotaro ◆wS2fCa8rNY ：2011/10/25(火) 03:41:29.97ID:0kPk05Q00
As I was running around the town I received a message.
I slowed down to a walk and read the message.
Kayo: “It’s sudden (smile) but, I get off of work at 9:00PM the day after tomorrow, do you have time to meet?”
I responded right away.
Me: “Yes!”
After replying I started running again and tripped over the bricks surrounding the shrubbery on the sidewalk
I fell face first into the shrubs lol
As I feel into the shrubs two giant mice came running out onto the sidewalk and surprised a girl walking by
“Aaaaahhh!!”
The girl screamed.
When they first came out I didn’t realize they were mice so I screamed too
“Aaah!!”
I was freaked out.
Actually, I still have a scar on my shin lol

It hurt so much I thought I was going to die.